When I met Billy, I hadn’t planned on dating. I was looking for friends. I was looking for people who didn’t know me before Patrick died. I wanted to meet people that wouldn’t look at me like I was broken. People that would see me for me and not as Sam with the dead husband.
When Patrick died, I realized that I didn’t have as many friends as I thought I did. I will always be grateful for the friends that stepped up and where there every step of my grieving process. But I learned that a lot of my friends were to weirded out and ran away instead of being the support I needed.
Maybe I should be grateful that they showed themselves out of my life instead of sticking around and just pretending.
I met Billy on Oct 1, 2013.
I almost went off on him after that first hello. I had had a really bad day, and I was in a I-hate-everyone mood. A little voice in my brain told me I needed to be nice to him and at least say hi.
We had been talking for a could of weeks before he asked me to lunch one day. He knew I had an appointment to get my car worked on and thought meeting after would be a good idea.
Only, sitting in a waiting room at Hyundai gave me a lot of time to think, and over think things. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. It had only been 18 months since Patrick died. What was I doing? I still loved Patrick, and how could I even think about anyone else, even if this was just a lunch date.
I finally gave in and called a friend. She was thrilled and spent an hour talking me into going to lunch. If it didn’t work out, or if I wasn’t ready, it was just lunch.
Even though she made sense, I wasn’t sure. Then there was the, what are my kids going to think? What’s his family going to think? OMG what are so and so going to think?
In the end, I decided I needed to do it for me. I needed to test the waters and see if this was something I was ready for. On the way there I talked to Patrick. I asked him for a sign if he was OK with this.
Lunch went well. We talked about me, my kids, Patrick, and everything I had been through. We talked about him, his divorce, his family, and his dog.
After lunch we decided to walk around the mall. I was surprised that I was enjoying his company, but I still so wrapped up in my head being worried about what everyone else was going to think, that I didn’t know if I could do a relationship with him.
Plus I hadn’t had a sign from Patrick. I know it sounds crazy to so many people, but it was really important to me.
We walked into a store and there was a ladybug on a tumbler. It was cartoony, and I blew it off as it was just a coincidence. My signs from Patrick had always been real ladybugs.
We walked on. The next store had another cartoony ladybug. My brain told me this was just another coincidence. It was getting closer to the time I had to leave to be home when Jazzy got out of school.
One more store before he walked me back to my car. We walked towards the back, and ended up having to zig-zag through the store because of rude people. We ended up on the opposite side of the store than we wanted, but I got my sign. The back corner was full of ladybugs. Curtains, towels, bath mats, sheets, all covered in realistic looking ladybugs.
Like I said, most people would think I’m insane for deciding to date Billy based on if I saw ladybugs or not, but I believe in signs from our passed loved ones, and I needed that sign from Patrick to know that he would be ok with it.
On November 12 we were hanging out with his dog, Bacon. I needed signs from Patrick, Billy needed to know if Bacon liked me. Once it was apparent that Bacon loved me, Billy asked me to be his girlfriend. Like we were 14 again. It was so corny but so sweet.
3 1/2 years now.
We are getting married August 5, 2018. And we bought our tickets for an Easter Caribbean Cruise 2 weeks after we get married. I’m so excited!