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Robbie with his dad, Patrick, and his sister, Jazzy, in September 2011

My son, Robbie (17) wrote this.  It breaks my heart reading it, but I’m so thankful that he’s able to express his emotions.


Have you ever been so sad that you can’t pinpoint your exact emotions?  You’re so sad and depressed, but you can’t put it into words?  The last couple of months have been hard and I wish I knew how to put it into words.

Graduation is coming up in less than 2 weeks away and it sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s exciting and something I have been working towards for the last 13 years, but it’s taking a huge toll on my emotions.

Graduation is supposed to be about moving into adulthood.  Saying goodbye to our school years and moving on to either college or into the work force.  The moment I walk off that stage with my diploma in my hand, I will be considered an adult.

This is one of the biggest milestones in our lives, one that should be celebrated.  Yes I will be celebrating with friends and family, but one important person will be missing.  My dad.

My dad died 4 years ago when I was only 13.  It’s been 4 years later and my dad still isn’t here.  4 years of missing him.  4 years of wishing he was there for everything he has missed.  Teaching me to drive.  Being excited when I received my college acceptance letters.  Being there for birthdays.  Christmases.  All the New Year’s Eves he’s missed.  Each and every one of my lacrosse games.  Having to dedicate the senior appreciation game to him instead of him walking on the field with me.  Each one of those hurts in their own way, but knowing he won’t be there for graduation hurts the most of all.

Four years have gone in the blink of an eye.  It seems like I was graduating from 8th grade just a few weeks ago.  That graduation was just a month and a half after he died.   I was still numb and not feeling much of anything then.  I knew I missed him, and I knew I hated that he wasn’t there, but it didn’t hurt anything like it does this time.

When I look through the audience, if I am lucky, I’ll spot my family.  My grandparents, and my uncle.  But no matter how much I look around my eyes will never land on my dad.  I’ll see all the other smiling dads.  Their cameras and phones ready to capture their son or daughter walking across the stage.  Which will be even more of a reminder that he’s not there.

Of course there are those that will tell me he’s proud of me and he’s always with me.  It’s not the same.  It will never be the same.  He’s not here to hug me.  He’s not here to tell me he’s proud of me.  He’s not here to smile in the pictures.  How anyone can think I would want anything else is beyond me.

It doesn’t just stop at graduation.  In July I will be headed to the University of Kentucky for orientation.  Then in August I will be a freshman in college.  That brings up so many more emotions.

During the day I struggle to keep it together.  At night it all falls apart.  My mom taught me that its ok to cry, its ok to be sad, and its ok to not be strong.  I am very thankful for that because there are days where I don’t feel strong.  I feel weak and emotional.

As much as I am looking forward to graduation and starting the next chapter of my life, I am dreading it at the same time.  I know there will be a lot of crying involved, and this time it’s not just going to be my mom.

Needless to say, I’m going to have to stock up on personal packs of tissues.

I can’t believe in 2 weeks my boy will be graduating from high school.  WITH HONORS!


We’ve already set up orientation for UK in July.  I can’t believe in 3 months, give or take, my sweet boy will be heading off to college and not under my roof anymore!!!!


graduation announcement

Robbie’s graduation announcement

Guilt.  I live with enough guilt for 20 people without having to deal with stupid people that have absolutely no clue.

I am dating an amazing man.  A man that understands my situation.  Understands that I still love Patrick.  A man that is OK with my still loving Patrick.

A man that I am happy with.  But that doesn’t mean I miss don’t miss Patrick or that I’m not having a hard time dealing with him not being here.

April 10th marked 4 years. May 23rd is his birthday.  Jazzy graduates from 8th grade on June 1st and Robbie graduates from high school on June 2nd.  And he’s not here for it.  And I am so sick of people telling me that he is with us.  Because being with us because IT IS NOT THE SAME as him being here.

He is not here to tell my kids how proud he is of them. He won’t be here for graduation pictures. He won’t be here to take Robbie to college. He is not here for any of their lives now.

I know people mean well, but they need to think about what their words mean before they say them.  They aren’t always comforting, and in certain situations they make things worse.

I’m having a very hard time dealing with all this, but even more so when people think I can’t still miss Patrick just because I’m dating someone.

Grief gets better but it never goes away.  I love Patrick and always will.  And I will always miss him.

I wish there was some way to get people to understand this.  Maybe I’m hoping for to much?


Have you heard of Pink Zebra Sprinkles?  No they aren’t candy, or even cake decorations.  I make sure I tell people this right away since my son thought they were candy and he tried to eat them.  He’s 17.

They are scented wax sprinkles.  And they smell AMAZING!


They are available in 3.75 oz jars for just $8 or 16 oz cartons for $25.  The cartons are great for those scents that you find you can’t get enough of.  There’s even a selection of manly scents that smell great.  Oak & Bourbon is one of my favorite manly scents.

My absolute favorite thing about Sprinkles is they are small enough to mix the scents to create a new one.   My favorite combination is Farm House Cider and Oak & Bourbon.  I also love Just Peachy mixed with Vanilla Creme.

Now.  1 lucky person can win 2 jars of Sprinkles of your choice!  YAY!

Just enter below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

IMG_5745This was taken at my Uncle’s wedding.

These 2 have kept me sane through everything the last few years.  I’m so thankful I am lucky enough to be their mom.

s-l300Robbie decided on University of Kentucky.  He’s gotten 2 acceptance letters from them.  One for their pre-med program and one for their biology program.


He’s a little bummed that they stopped their lacrosse program, but he realizes majoring in both Pre-Med and Biology isn’t going to leave a lot of time for practice and all.  But he’s hoping to find a youth league he can help coach the goalies.

535878_10150745037144961_1676374557_n4 years.

In some ways it doesn’t seem that long ago.  In others it seems light years away.

4 years ago today I lost my husband.  I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life.  I held his hand and stroked his hair as they took him off life support.


All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

You can’t turn on youIMG_1226r TV or radio without hearing something about the Kardashians.  Even more so now with the drama surrounding Kim’s nude selfies.  And this drama includes others posting their opinions about it.


I never ever thought I would agree with Miley Cyrus but I do on this.

Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don’t we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families!#happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!

While just a few months ago I was happy my daughter wasn’t a Miley fan, she has shown a lot of growth, especially now.  Not everyone is going to agree with the way Kim Kardashian flaunts herself, but instead of bashing her for her version of confidence, people, but especially women, need to stop bashing her and instead reach out to her.  As role models, they should be working together to empower women, but especially teen girls.  These are the girls you’re making the biggest impression on.  I know, I have a 13 year old daughter that is in love with the celeb world.


Pink has weighed in on the drama surrounding the pictures also.

Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their “magic” that they were born with, that only they possess,” Pink wrote on Twitter. “It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or bank notes as using your body, your sex, your t**s and a**es, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention.’ In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from attention, you will feel something called pride and self respect. Keep on resisting the urge to cave. You’ll never have to make silly excuses for yourself.

This. Is. Amazing!  This is what all these women should be preaching.  Stop bashing and bulling if you don’t agree with something someone does.  Do I agree with the nude selfies?  No because I want to be seen for my mind. My courage. My awesomeness.  And not for my boobs or my butt.


As the mom of a teenage girl, no matter how hard we try to keep them from being exposed to certain things, it never works.  They have friends.  Their friend’s parents allow them to read different things, different website.  So trying to keep my daughter from the celeb world failed miserably.


This makes me sad because just 2 years ago my daughter had very little self esteem or confidence in herself.  This was all thanks to being bullied.  The bullying started over how pale she is and her freckles.  It then escalated when her dad got sick and then after he died.

This is hard on anyone, but at 9 years old she was dealing with the loss of her dad and then dealing with the nasty things kids, and parents, were saying to her because of his death.


I want my daughter to be able to look at Facebook and talk with her friends and see these famous women building each other up instead of trying to tear them down.  Disguised as a joke or not, it still has the same effect.

I want her to be able to see these women working together to build up normal everyday women.  We are all women, and being in a place to have the power to help build up people is something each and every one of them should run with.

Teachers.  Stay at home moms.  Nurses.  Doctors.  No matter what your profession is, as women we need to be reminded of our amazing qualities and talents that make us who we are.


But even more, we need to start instilling these qualities and confidence into our teens.  We need to give them the tools to see who they are and what they can accomplish now before they develop a mentality that they need to post naked pictures to make them feel good about themselves.


The last picture taken with their dad

The last picture taken with their dad, taken 10 minutes after they extubated him on March 16, 2012

I wrote this 2 years ago after a conversation with someone that didn’t understand why I was still grieving 2 years later.

understanding – un·der·stand·ing – mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension; personal interpretation: My understanding of the word does not agree with yours.

Understanding has a lot of different meanings, depending on what you’re trying to understand. If you tell me you’re understanding of my situation, then to me, you’re telling me you understand my issues, and understand how certain things are hard for me, and you’re ok with the way things are.

2 years ago my life was normal. Well normal considering everything we were going through.

But it was we.

Tin Man and me. 2 parents 2 kids.  I had help raising my kids.  I had someone to make decisions with.  Someone to share the blame with.  Someone to learn with.

We were waiting for a phone call to change our lives. Little did we know how just how soon that phone call would be coming. That phone call telling us they had a hear was supposed to be a new beginning. We were supposed to be able to do things normal families could do. We were supposed to have many more years together.

Neither one of us ever imagined we would have the outcome we did.  Neither of us imagined we only had one more month together.

I lost my best friend, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I grieve the loss of Tin Man. I grieve the loss of my best friend. I grieve the loss of my soul mate. I also grieve the loss of my future. The loss of all our plans.  The loss of my security.  The loss of our income.  The loss of my parenting partner.  I grieve for the loss of my normal life.

Its not just about me. I grieve for my kids and all their losses. They lost their dad.  They lost their superman, their protector.  My kids lost a huge chunk of their childhood. I grieve for them because I know what they are going through. I grieve for all those moments that their dad is supposed to be there. Birthdays, teaching them to drive. Graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren.

Everything I wanted/needed my dad for, my kids aren’t going to have their dad for. I grieve for the loss of a normal life for them.

I grieve being able to sit in my living room and watch tv with my kids. Instead there is this huge void. This uncomfortable unspoken cloud in the living room. This same cloud is with us when we drive up 17. Down 101 to LA. Even monster truck shows. Things that were a huge parts of our lives aren’t the same anymore.

Its ONLY been 2 years. We are still trying to figure out how to get through the cloud. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and unfortunately it will be with me for the rest of my life.

I have already deleted people from my life because they don’t understand and want to hold things against me. As much as it hurt to lose them, I need understanding people in my life. I’m done trying to please everyone and ignore how I feel. If you aren’t OK with my life, my situation, my feelings, or my protection for my kids, then kindly delete yourself from my life, or let me know and I can do it for you.


That was 2 years ago.  We are now approaching 4 years since his death.  We lost a few more friends because they couldn’t understand why we weren’t “over it” yet.  Unfortunately something like this lets you know who your real friends are and who deserves to be in your life.  While things have gotten a little easier, and we have found our new normal, we are still grieving.

It’s my son’s senior year.  We grieve all the moments he’s missing.  College applications and the acceptance letters.  Senior pictures.  Senior night.  With graduation fast approaching, the grief is getting a little stronger.

My daughter is graduating 8th grade this year and is looking forward to high school, but again there is a huge hole where he is supposed to be.

It will never go away.  Just because its 4 years later or 10 years.  There are always going to be things that he’s supposed to be a part of.  He’s missing out on things that he’s supposed to be here for.

Daily life is easier, but those milestone will always be hard.


12654583_10205748415293514_8951022531119876638_nA couple weeks ago Warrior got his first college acceptance letter.

Not only was he accepted to University of Kentucky, BUT he was also accepted into the pre-med program!

Then the following week he had his interview with Duke University. We are still waiting to hear back from them.

This waiting on college acceptance letters is teaching me that my patience for certain things sucks.



I'm a widowed mom of 2 amazing kids. Engaged to the man that made me realize I could love again. I love photography, gardening, and reading. Caregiver, taxi driver extraordinaire, chef, maid, and everything in between.

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